Zmote on the Pen

What do you want me to say? I have nothing for you. I have nothing for anybody. I have failed so many times at so many things I stopped counting. You want me to be “normal”? To behave “normal”, to act like society expects me to? I’m not that guy. I’m not that person. I’d rather wallow in dirt rather than accommodate to what the people around me expect me to be. Yes, I know what that means. I know what this kind of way of thinking will eventually lead to. I don’t care and I mean it. It’s not that I’m unaware of the consequences, I am, don’t worry. It’s just that I stopped worrying about things I may or may not achieve. A diploma, a marriage, a good life and a good fortune… no, everything I need is simple. If there is one thing I need to be aware of it’s my lack of submission to the truth of my existence. I’m not afraid of dying alone. I’m not afraid of never finding love. I’m not afraid of not making enough money. The only thing I can do is try. And as long as I try, it doesn’...

Do you feel the sun rise in the morning or do you lament the fall of the moon? A curious journey through the flow of time, bouncing off the wrinkles of this old sphere, our temporary home - the blue planet. Have you gone out today, breathed in the fresh air of spring? The cleansing air touches your lungs and triggers a new sensation within - you feel alive once more; and once more your woes vanish into thin air. The ground we stand and walk upon, a mix of earth and seeds of life. There exists another world, on a different scale and with another purpose. A plain field of grass I desire, a horse and a saddle, to ride towards the horizon, discover, breath and rise to new heights with my soul. I am a free man; no human shall dare to bind me. I will tear apart the chains of bondage and rise my hands towards the sky. For this world and the life forms on it are my responsibility. A scream into the empty space in front of me, a cry for help or a call for charge? Everything we do, ...

I usually write about philosophical ideas of mine or from personal experiences. Sometimes I mix those two subjects by merging them within a fictive story. Today I want to do something different. I want to recall my dream. I desire to write down what happened there. Those rare instances I remember them… I have a special connection and relation towards my dreams. So bear with me, while I recall and retell my dream to you: I’m on a plane. We’re flying. My parents are next to me. We are going to Turkey, the land of my ancestors. The air outside is cloudy, there is a weird orange hue on all of the colors, desaturated, a monochrome scene presents itself. A flash, a scene-cut, darkness. Next I remember I’m in a room with a bunch of old friends. I feel warm, I feel secure. I know them, I’ve known them for a long time. They aren’t my current friends, they had been my friends. But I feel like it’s been just yesterday. I don’t feel as if I don’t belong, quite the opposite. It’s a big ...

When you look out the window, do you feel a sense of guilt? Have you done something wrong outside those four walls you spend most of your life in? Does you conscience vibrate when you remember back? There are various kinds of mistakes we as human beings can commit. There are those we plan, there are those we accidentally cause because of carelessness. But there is one kind of mistake that is quite hard to deal with. The forced mistakes. Confrontations are an essential part of our lives. Sometimes we fight over a subject for so long that after a while we get annoyed in such a manner, we start saying stuff we usual would never say. It’s not because we mean what we say, but because we are fed up, angered, annoyed, disturbed by all the continuing fighting. When we reach the phase were logic arguments don’t have any value anymore and it’s only about “I’m right because I say so” things tend to get ugly pretty quick. Because what else is the abandonment of logic and proper argumenta...

Waking up in the morning, asking yourself the same question once more: Who am I? You stand up, walk towards the door, encounter your mother, your father or your beloved one, and you ask yourself: where is all of this going? A shower, a breakfast, you leave the house for work and you catch yourself wondering: what am I doing with my life? Do you know the feeling of emptiness towards questions you postpone to answer? The same, consciousness drilling, agony triggering emptiness that haunts you with those other question marks in your life. An infinitely long string of troubling, nerve-racking questions that serve only the purpose of enlarging the hole of darkness within. Over and over we roll and we seek for the answers. But with every answer ten new questions rise and we find ourselves trapped within the devil’s circle. A terrible situation to be in and a state no one would trade you for. The abyss of the unknown and uncertainty, the life of mystery evoking only...

When I get utterly bored I go for a drive. I take the car, turn up the music and hit the roads. And if its warm enough outside, I open the windows and let the breeze stroke my face. I like driving. I like the feel of independence and being able to go wherever I want. Maybe it sounds contradictory, but when you’re on the roads, the world feels even bigger. The car is my cubicle from which I observe my surroundings. I breath in freedom and exhale all negativity. Time is a value in abundance when the wheels roll. Isn’t it the theorem of Einstein relativity dictating: moving objects experience time slower? The car option is the short cut solution to feel freedom in a matter of minutes. My ancestors have lived on horseback for centuries on the windy steps of central Asia. Maybe it’s this hard-wired feeling of freedom in our gen pool that in confrontation of the modern lifestyle finds a calming warmth within a similar activity, namely on the “back” of the modern age’s horses, the...

The finger pointing towards the mountain top. Throughout life, we seek happiness. Happiness and peace. We want to love and be loved. The desire of warmth and security has found a profound place in our hearts. So then how is it we are incapable of achieving what we ache for with such vehemence? “Do you look beyond the window or through it?” my mind asks. I wish I could answer “I always look beyond!” but it would be far from the truth. How often do we stop and try to visualize our planet in relation to our existences? Do we frequently judge and decide with the whole picture in mind or are we generally selfish beings who choose what’s in our interest and our interest alone? What mindset stirs the way of thinking to a happier life? “An interesting question” you say? Or “how stupid” is what you’d identify those lines with? There are so many philosophical approaches to our existence on this planet next to religious ones. Is it possible for them to co-exist? Hap...

When I stop for a moment and look around myself… The thing I ought stopping to do in the future. Maybe. Or maybe I should do it more? I don’t know. I should get help. But help costs money, or at least useful ones do. The ones you get from “family” and “friends” is as cheap as Alkaline batteries. I’m confused. Irritated by all of the development going on around me. I’m sad. I feel the pathetic factor grow stronger. I fear. I’m afraid of landing in the gutter. My ambitions now seems nothing more than pieces of paper hung up on an imaginary tree’s branches… awaiting the next breeze to tear them away. We are but voices to be smothered. People without worth. Lost creatures wandering the surface of the earth wondering about the purpose of existence. Is it strange that it should be the people detached from the bonds of society and humanity who question their being the most frequent? What comes down to earth, what goes up to heaven? Who knows. Or does somebod...