And all spins around once more

When I stop for a moment and look around myself…

The thing I ought stopping to do in the future. Maybe.

Or maybe I should do it more? I don’t know.

I should get help. But help costs money, or at least useful ones do. The ones you get from “family” and “friends” is as cheap as Alkaline batteries.

I’m confused. Irritated by all of the development going on around me. I’m sad. I feel the pathetic factor grow stronger. I fear. I’m afraid of landing in the gutter.

My ambitions now seems nothing more than pieces of paper hung up on an imaginary tree’s branches… awaiting the next breeze to tear them away.

We are but voices to be smothered. People without worth. Lost creatures wandering the surface of the earth wondering about the purpose of existence.

Is it strange that it should be the people detached from the bonds of society and humanity who question their being the most frequent?

What comes down to earth, what goes up to heaven? Who knows. Or does somebody? Are we choosing to be ignorant? Are we expecting to know more than everyone else?

I am confused. Irritated. Everything goes downhill. I had such great plans for the future. I was going to be somebody. And now I am here, to be exactly nobody. No one cares. Everyone tries to get rid of the responsibility. They are correct to do so as well. I have overstayed my welcome.

Life was supposed to be easy. Things were supposed to be arriving in a certain order. School. Job. Marriage. Children. The rest.

But where am I at now? None of these apply. And the way it seems, none of these will ever come to be.

Have I already chosen a path for my own? Am I already walking towards a horizon from which there is no return?

My heart grows colder. My stomach bigger. I’m loosing my humanity and am transforming into an animal.

I haven’t lost hope. I haven’t given up yet. But maybe I’m out of “ambition”-juice. Everything feels so empty. I feel empty. You feel empty. My fingers do as well.

When was it, the last time I just observed something? Just sat down and observed it only to enjoy and not to learn from it?

And have I actually ever learned from observing?

Experience, so it seems, is made of the bits and pieces that stick on your face after the mud-balls hit. You could say, experience of some, is the residual shit on their faces…

I think I am in a down phase. I think I’ll be better soon. Although I have been whispering those words for months now. Maybe I won’t be better soon. Maybe everything will go to hell in the next hour.

I’m confused. Irritated. And all spins around once more.

My life, so it appears, has become a wrecked ship at the edge of a vortex out on the sea. I say, ahoy to thee!