Whenever he saw her, he couldn’t help it. Couldn’t help his heart smile. Physically you probably wouldn’t notice anything. One could argue that quite the opposite was the case even. When people saw him, they saw darkness and hatred. Steely eyes, eyebrows tight and eyes resigned. He couldn’t help it though, the past shaped every man and woman in its own way. And his past was filled with people looking at him in disgust. For a long time, he didn’t understand. Why they’d look at him as though he was vermin. As if he was a ticking time bomb that might go off anytime. When he was younger, he’d greet the people on the street, he’d say “Hello” in a cheery voice and would smile at them. Few would greet him back and always with an air of confusion. And the older he became, the less people would greet him back, just look at him with eyes filled by hatred and disgust. After a while, he could sense it even. He thought that might be when it started. When his happiness and the hope for a better future slowly vanished. And naturally, it started to show on his face, in his posture, in the way he talked and expressed himself. It became a part of who he was, a bad habit that was there to stay. And usually, he’d feel the way he’d look on the outside.
But with her, it was different. Whenever he’d see her, the bad habit couldn’t form. Sure, his body might have told a different story, but the normal synchronisation of body and soul didn’t work in her presence. Like a drop of hope in a pool of desperation, slowly clearing away the darkness within. Sometimes he’d even smile. It took him a while until he understood that his body didn’t follow his soul though. Even though he thought he was smiling, his face wouldn’t show it. He’d have to actually make an effort to physically show it, too. It was unnatural for him and that’s how it possibly looked as well. Unnatural. But it didn’t matter, he couldn’t help it. Like being pulled by a singularity, his being just reacted to her presence, out of his control. And if he was honest, he didn’t mind it either. This sense of peace that she brought to him, he enjoyed it. He couldn’t remember when last he felt that way. In her presence, the future didn’t seem hopeless. As if some invisible force was making him promises… “everything is going to be alright”. And he would believe it.
Her name was Mira. Long dark hairs and blue eyes. She was beautiful. He wasn’t the only one to notice, of course. Mira was everything he wasn’t. She had friends, she was liked, she had happiness and hope in her life. Most of the time, she was with someone; to him it seemed like she was never alone. And although in the beginning he felt jealous of her, in time, he just was happy. And the more he reflected upon his own life and choices, the more he’d be happier for her. One less soul that had to endure solitude, the pain of being alone. Only a monster would wish another person the same. So he’d observe her from the distance. Sure it was creepy at some level, but then again he couldn’t help it. So he’d just watch her. Watch her laugh, be happy, be acknowledged by the people she loved. He didn’t belong to that group, so his acknowledgment didn’t matter. Her laughter made him laugh. Her sadness would make him sad. Like through observing, he was synchronizing with her being. It was weird. It was alarming. It was the most beautiful thing he could think of.
When he returned home from school, he wouldn’t try to find out more about her, wouldn’t ask people close to her what she was like. He wouldn’t allow himself this curiosity. In some ways he thought he was respecting her that way. Another reason was that he might get too infatuated with her. Then she would take up even more space in his thoughts than she already did. He couldn’t allow that. He knew of the dangers for himself. This wasn’t the first time he fell in love with someone from afar. By now, he knew how the story would play out. Sometimes he thought the definition of unrequited love was him. Mira was the fourth girl in this repeating cycle. The process was so familiar to him that it made him laugh at times, observing his own reactions. When he’d be alone in the classroom with her, he’d hear in his own voice someone egging him on “Come on, now is the time, go talk to her”. And in the past, he’d listen to it and start the downfall with it. But now, he just would smile and leave the room as quickly as possible without saying anything, without acknowledging her, as though she wasn’t there. He knew that it was rude to do so, but that’s the only solution to his dilemma he had. “Just stay away” was the motto and so he did. And most of the time, it would work.
People come and go. If you ignore them long enough, it is as if you’ve never met them to begin with. That was his reality. No, it was his protection against love. Love that would never find him. He had accepted that, but his biology didn’t listen, so he’d have to put up with the sometimes out of control system that was his body. His solution helped reduce the affliction. Maybe it was also a contributing factor to who he was now. A cold person. An unfeeling person. At least he liked the thought of that. It justified it, being alone. And having a reason helped in the nights. And in order to not completely succumb to the darkness, he’d enjoy these moments from afar. The moments where the girl he fell in love with made him feel better, made him feel at ease. Even if it was temporary, it was like nurishment until next time. And usually, the next time was a long time off. So he’d make a point to enjoy it, like stocking up water for travelling through the desert of loneliness. That was his strategy against love. And most of the time he believed that it worked. And if it didn’t, well… nothing was perfect, he’d had to suffer for a while then.
So when once more they’d be the last ones in the classroom, he’d pack up his stuff and walk out the door, acting like she didn’t exist. He stepped through the door and turned-
“Hey”
He froze. She couldn’t have meant him. No, of course not. It were these stupid hormones that made him think so. So he just ignored it and took another step forward.
“Hey!” she said again. She had rushed after him apparently. OK, now that was weird.
“Yeah?” he said, trying to avoid looking at her. He couldn’t look into those blue eyes, not from up close. His battle plan didn’t have a contingency for that.
“Could you help me with something? I can’t find the remote for the projector to turn it off, I looked everywhere!”
Even the way she talked was different. She was sure of herself. And talking to this guy she had never talked before was like breathing air. Interesting.
“Sure” he said. What? Don’t spend more time with her, run! he thought. But that would have been mean. And he hated being mean to other people intentionally.
So they went back into the classroom and started to look. When it became apparent that they wouldn’t find the remote, he suggested they try turning it off manually. The projector was mounted on the top wall, so they prepared some chairs and he went first. He couldn’t reach the button.
“Could you hand me that stick next to the whiteboard?” he said. Yes, soon it would be over, it’s not a big deal. Soon, this moment would fade away as well, it was insignificant after all. She spent way more time with other school mates, so why would she even remember this moment. Did he want her to remember? No, it was his god damn hormones.
“Sure, I’ll be right back.”
She moved to the whiteboard at the entrance of the room and fetched the stick next to it. The teachers used it sometimes when the batteries of the laser pointer died. He couldn’t help it, he’d observe her now, too. Fuck, I’m creepy, he thought. But the way her long hairs moved from one side to the other, the elegance of her movement… someone just let a hormones grenade go off next to his heart. Come on Mira, hurry…
“Here you!” she said with such a happy voice. How could a person be this happy, he thought. God, he admired her for it.
“T-thanks”
T-Thanks? S-stut-tering now, are we? Fuck.
Finally, it was done, the projector shut off and went quite. It was done, he was free.
He put the chairs back where they’d taken them from and was just about to leave the room without saying anything. Again, he knew that was rude, but he had to make this moment shitty somehow. Or else… or else the downfall came. And at his age, he couldn’t go through that again.
When he was out the door, he heard her thanking him. He pretended not to hear and just walked more quickly. Just away, away from Mira. Away from this awful emotions he was going through.
The moment he reached the train station, he felt free. Free. What was this… no, no, stop it, he said to himself. Don’t overthink it, it’s just a stupid coincidence. From now on I’m gonna make a point to be the first out of the room, he promised. He sat down on bench next to the rails, waiting for the next train. He had missed the one he’d usually hop on. He leaned back and put his right arm over his eyes. “Damn it” he whispered. This was getting dangerous, he could feel it. I have let myself go, I should stop looking at her, he thought. No, it was more than a thought. It was a new battle plan. Avoid any kind of contact, stay away, erase the thought of Mira. It was the only way. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
“Hey!”
Fucking Mira. Lovely, beautiful, heartwarming Mira. He loved and hated her at the same time right now. No, he couldn’t hate her, just a slight annoyance. But even then…
“Sorry I made you miss your train” she said apologetically, while at the same time putting on the most beautiful smile he had seen on her. Damn it, up close, she was like an angel that had just descended on earth.
“No problem… you missed yours, too?” he asked. Why did he ask her that. Why… he didn’t want to talk more with her, he wanted the opposite. He wasn’t in control anymore.
“Yeah, but I’m used to it. Whenever I have classroom duty, I miss my train, it’s not a big deal.”
She had such a lovely voice.
“I see” he replied. Nice, that’s the way to do it, kill the conversation.
“I think we’ve never talked before you and I? Eventhough we’ve been in the same class for three years, isn’t that weird?” she said and you could see it in her face that she really thought it to be weird.
If by weird you mean intentional, sure.
“Yeah, I guess so.” he said. Short answer, no follow up possibility, it was going well. Well, actually it was going terribly, but that was the goal here.
She sat next to him on the bench. There was a moment of silence. Why did you sit next to me Mira… why.
“So, where do you live? I’m from Utelberg.”
What…
“Erm.. I’m from Smaro.” he answered.
“Smaro? Isn’t Annie from there, too? I’ve never seen you two talk!”
Yes, she was. And yes, we didn’t.
“I guess we don’t. We don’t really know each other.”
She paused. Maybe she was realizing this was a pointless exercise. His strategy seemed to work, she was losing interest in the conversation.
“That’s interesting you should say that. She seems to know a lot about you, though.”
She does? Like what? Wtf?
“She does? Like what?” he said without realizing he was literally expressing his thoughts. Luckily the “wtf” part didn’t get out.
“She said, you used to be bullied by some of the older students at your school…”
And there it was. Fuck you hormones, making me think she cared. No, she pitied me. That’s probably the worst thing she could have said, but then again, that’s what he needed right now. For the first time, he was able to feel hatred towards her. This cycle would soon end. And the bubbling anger started to show. His eyes went steely and were fixated on the rails.
“I don’t need your help. And tell Annie she better not talk about me as if she knew me. None of you do and none of you will.” he said, stood up and started to walk away.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it!” she called after him. But it was too late though. He wouldn’t allow this to go on any further. He stopped walking and looked into Mira’s eyes.
“Yes, you did.” and he went off. Good. It was better this way. This infatuation with her had to end at some point. He was OK with it being today. He still had twenty minutes to wait though. He made a point to get as far away as possible from her. He didn’t want to see her anymore. The darkness cleansing drop of hope she caused within him started to turn sour and was poisoning him. Man, the last thing he expected was to be pitied by her. Bullied, that’s what they thought it was, how funny. I guess from the outside looking in, it looked like that anyway. He knew she couldn’t have known that it was a struggle. Bullying was accepting harassment. He didn’t, he always fought back. But that’s not the part of the story people saw, it was a more interesting story when it was bullying. I guess that took the fear off somewhat of the steely eyed, cold me. Everyone had their own way with coping with difficult situations.
Fifteen minutes. Time passed slow. Some part of him wanted to look if she was still sitting on the bench. He hated himself for it. This was the most pathetic part of unrequited love, it felt like a major betrayal to hear that from her. But why would it be? They didn’t know each other, they didn’t talk, they weren’t friends, there was no bond between them, so there was nothing to be betrayed either. Ten minutes left.
Whatever, he thought. I’ll have a look and pretend as if I was looking for the coming train. Come on, why are you so afraid. Damn it, I hate myself. OK, just turn right… now. And he did. To his surprise, Mira was standing right in front of him.
“I really, really, didn’t mean it like that! Please, believe me!” she apologized. “I thought… I thought we could talk about it as I was bullied as well.”
So that’s how it was. But it didn’t matter. To him, it never was bullying, he didn’t felt threatened by those assholes, no matter how many times they’d harass him. He’d always fight back. This, too, contributed to the way he was now. Cold hearted, slightly angry, never trusting anyone. That’s how he protected himself from the world. It wasn’t the same though.
“I’m sorry to hear that. But I wasn’t bullied. I was harassed, but I always fought back and soon, they didn’t bother with me anymore.” he said as calmly as possible.
“Oh…” she said looking down. She was disappointed. Maybe she just looked for someone she could share her pain with. And she thought that it could be him. But it wasn’t, their experiences were different.
She suddenly smiled. A fake smile, he could tell. “Hehe, sorry, I won’t bother you anymore, sorry…” she said and ran away. He thought he saw her tear up a little. How weird. Was he being mean towards her? He didn’t know what to do and soon, he couldn’t see her anymore. She must have gone to wait at the appropriate rails for her train. Good. The cycle is broken at last. Or so he wanted to believe it. But somehow he felt terrible. There was a betrayal here now, a real one. He betrayed Mira’s openness, she shared something intimate and all he could do was focus on himself, protect himself. Was that who he had become? A selfish, narcissist, who only cared about protecting himself… he never imagined that would mean hurting someone else. Today he saw that it did.
Five minutes.
What could he do? Should he do anything at all? It was over now. Why make it worse? She went away, the cycle was broken and the world was as it should be. Just that it wasn’t, it couldn’t, he couldn’t live with the knowledge to have hurt her. Two minutes.
He waited. Frozen, unable to think clearly, unable to decide. It felt like time had stopped. It waited for him to make a decision… go after her, don’t go after her. But he knew, if he went after her, tried to talk to her, even apologize, it would start the downfall. It never went well. He just couldn’t make friends with girls, he fell in love with them. Mira didn’t need a boyfriend, she needed someone to talk to about her past. She needed a friend. He wondered why him. She must have talked about it with her friends… she had so many of them. It was only plausible to think so. Was this a trap? Was he making a fool of himself…
The train for Smaro had arrived. Yet he was still unable to move. Get on or don’t. What do I do… what do I do… decide… decide, now, decide, DECIDE!
He was still standing next to the rails… the train had left. Did he make a decision? Or did just time decide for him… what do I do.
He remembered what his cousin once had told him. A good deed is never forgotten, no matter the outcome, the intention is what counts. And if everything goes badshit… at least you had good intentions, so never hesitate to do something good. So why did he. If there was even the slightest chance…
He ran. He ran after her. And when he finally got to the rails she went off to, he couldn’t find her, she was nowhere to be seen. The train to Utelberg was about to leave. He didn’t have a ticket. But she most likely was on the train already. What now… what now, he thought. There wasn’t time for him to buy a ticket… should he risk a fine? Was it worth it?
He boarded the train without thinking about the consequences. Whatever, I came this far. If I’m going to make a fool of myself, it will be an epic tale to tell later on. To whom, was another question, he didn’t have friends. Maybe I’ll write it in my memoirs, he thought. He went through the compartments, looking for Mira. Where was she… he couldn’t find her. He moved forward to the next compartment… and the next…
Five compartments over, he finally found her. She was looking out the window. She had cried recently. It showed. She was sitting alone by herself. He went for it and took a seat vis-à-vis her. She didn’t notice him. She was lost in thoughts. She looked sad. It hurt him to see her like that.
“I’m sorry.” he said. Slowly, without rushing it. And all the while, he tried to catch her eyes.
“Y-you… what are you doing here?” she wondered. He wasn’t sure if she was glad or angry seeing him. Time would tell.
“I’m sorry for saying what I said. I know it was rude and cold, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He didn’t. But it hadn’t worked.
“It’s OK… I now realize how I must have sounded, like I was pitying you… I know it was wrong to approach you like that, projecting my problems onto you… I’m sorry.” she said, almost whispering. She continued.
“I tried to talk to someone I haven’t ever talked to before about having been bullied…” she laughed a little. “I’m so stupid… it’s like a was trying to exploit your experiences… only to turn out that you haven’t gone through it in the end at all. I’m so stupid, I’m sorry.” she said and teared up again. This wasn’t normal.
“It’s OK, I overreacted. I’m not very good at talking to people. But I was selfish and thought only about myself. You opened up to me and I only focused on my world.”
He still tried to catch her eye. But she didn’t seem to want to make eye contact now. He didn’t blame her.
“Even if I haven’t gone through it, I know what it means to be picked on. What confuses me is that you’d want to talk about it with me, when you have so many friends you could talk to about it instead.”
He had to mention it. He still didn’t trust the situation.
“I’m the way I am, because I’m afraid of being bullied again. I can’t talk about my fears with them. I have to act like a belong, even if I don’t feel like it, or else I’ll be bullied again.”
An honest answer. He hadn’t thought about it that way.
“Isn’t that tiring though? To not be yourself?” he asked her. He thought that’s the moment he understood the difference between them. He’d rather be himself than be liked, so he was alone and didn’t have friends. She was afraid to be bullied again, so she chose to not be herself, so she had friends.
“It is.” she said with a slight smile. “But after what I’ve been through…”
He thought he could already see the cliffs he’d fall over, but it didn’t matter anymore, not now.
“OK. I’m here now. I’m listening if you want to talk about it.” he said.
She finally looked him in the eyes. Those beautiful, blue eyes, that were contrasted by the reddening of the white.
“Do you really mean it?” she wondered. She wasn’t sure about it either, talking to him about her past.
“Mira, I just missed two trains home and boarded this one without a ticket, risking a fine. I’m talking to the girl I like to which I haven’t talked to ever before… yes, I really mean it!” he said with an ensuring voice.
Wait… what did I just say?
“Y-you l-like me?” she asked.
They both blushed.
Fuck, he thought.
And then she smiled.
But with her, it was different. Whenever he’d see her, the bad habit couldn’t form. Sure, his body might have told a different story, but the normal synchronisation of body and soul didn’t work in her presence. Like a drop of hope in a pool of desperation, slowly clearing away the darkness within. Sometimes he’d even smile. It took him a while until he understood that his body didn’t follow his soul though. Even though he thought he was smiling, his face wouldn’t show it. He’d have to actually make an effort to physically show it, too. It was unnatural for him and that’s how it possibly looked as well. Unnatural. But it didn’t matter, he couldn’t help it. Like being pulled by a singularity, his being just reacted to her presence, out of his control. And if he was honest, he didn’t mind it either. This sense of peace that she brought to him, he enjoyed it. He couldn’t remember when last he felt that way. In her presence, the future didn’t seem hopeless. As if some invisible force was making him promises… “everything is going to be alright”. And he would believe it.
Her name was Mira. Long dark hairs and blue eyes. She was beautiful. He wasn’t the only one to notice, of course. Mira was everything he wasn’t. She had friends, she was liked, she had happiness and hope in her life. Most of the time, she was with someone; to him it seemed like she was never alone. And although in the beginning he felt jealous of her, in time, he just was happy. And the more he reflected upon his own life and choices, the more he’d be happier for her. One less soul that had to endure solitude, the pain of being alone. Only a monster would wish another person the same. So he’d observe her from the distance. Sure it was creepy at some level, but then again he couldn’t help it. So he’d just watch her. Watch her laugh, be happy, be acknowledged by the people she loved. He didn’t belong to that group, so his acknowledgment didn’t matter. Her laughter made him laugh. Her sadness would make him sad. Like through observing, he was synchronizing with her being. It was weird. It was alarming. It was the most beautiful thing he could think of.
When he returned home from school, he wouldn’t try to find out more about her, wouldn’t ask people close to her what she was like. He wouldn’t allow himself this curiosity. In some ways he thought he was respecting her that way. Another reason was that he might get too infatuated with her. Then she would take up even more space in his thoughts than she already did. He couldn’t allow that. He knew of the dangers for himself. This wasn’t the first time he fell in love with someone from afar. By now, he knew how the story would play out. Sometimes he thought the definition of unrequited love was him. Mira was the fourth girl in this repeating cycle. The process was so familiar to him that it made him laugh at times, observing his own reactions. When he’d be alone in the classroom with her, he’d hear in his own voice someone egging him on “Come on, now is the time, go talk to her”. And in the past, he’d listen to it and start the downfall with it. But now, he just would smile and leave the room as quickly as possible without saying anything, without acknowledging her, as though she wasn’t there. He knew that it was rude to do so, but that’s the only solution to his dilemma he had. “Just stay away” was the motto and so he did. And most of the time, it would work.
People come and go. If you ignore them long enough, it is as if you’ve never met them to begin with. That was his reality. No, it was his protection against love. Love that would never find him. He had accepted that, but his biology didn’t listen, so he’d have to put up with the sometimes out of control system that was his body. His solution helped reduce the affliction. Maybe it was also a contributing factor to who he was now. A cold person. An unfeeling person. At least he liked the thought of that. It justified it, being alone. And having a reason helped in the nights. And in order to not completely succumb to the darkness, he’d enjoy these moments from afar. The moments where the girl he fell in love with made him feel better, made him feel at ease. Even if it was temporary, it was like nurishment until next time. And usually, the next time was a long time off. So he’d make a point to enjoy it, like stocking up water for travelling through the desert of loneliness. That was his strategy against love. And most of the time he believed that it worked. And if it didn’t, well… nothing was perfect, he’d had to suffer for a while then.
So when once more they’d be the last ones in the classroom, he’d pack up his stuff and walk out the door, acting like she didn’t exist. He stepped through the door and turned-
“Hey”
He froze. She couldn’t have meant him. No, of course not. It were these stupid hormones that made him think so. So he just ignored it and took another step forward.
“Hey!” she said again. She had rushed after him apparently. OK, now that was weird.
“Yeah?” he said, trying to avoid looking at her. He couldn’t look into those blue eyes, not from up close. His battle plan didn’t have a contingency for that.
“Could you help me with something? I can’t find the remote for the projector to turn it off, I looked everywhere!”
Even the way she talked was different. She was sure of herself. And talking to this guy she had never talked before was like breathing air. Interesting.
“Sure” he said. What? Don’t spend more time with her, run! he thought. But that would have been mean. And he hated being mean to other people intentionally.
So they went back into the classroom and started to look. When it became apparent that they wouldn’t find the remote, he suggested they try turning it off manually. The projector was mounted on the top wall, so they prepared some chairs and he went first. He couldn’t reach the button.
“Could you hand me that stick next to the whiteboard?” he said. Yes, soon it would be over, it’s not a big deal. Soon, this moment would fade away as well, it was insignificant after all. She spent way more time with other school mates, so why would she even remember this moment. Did he want her to remember? No, it was his god damn hormones.
“Sure, I’ll be right back.”
She moved to the whiteboard at the entrance of the room and fetched the stick next to it. The teachers used it sometimes when the batteries of the laser pointer died. He couldn’t help it, he’d observe her now, too. Fuck, I’m creepy, he thought. But the way her long hairs moved from one side to the other, the elegance of her movement… someone just let a hormones grenade go off next to his heart. Come on Mira, hurry…
“Here you!” she said with such a happy voice. How could a person be this happy, he thought. God, he admired her for it.
“T-thanks”
T-Thanks? S-stut-tering now, are we? Fuck.
Finally, it was done, the projector shut off and went quite. It was done, he was free.
He put the chairs back where they’d taken them from and was just about to leave the room without saying anything. Again, he knew that was rude, but he had to make this moment shitty somehow. Or else… or else the downfall came. And at his age, he couldn’t go through that again.
When he was out the door, he heard her thanking him. He pretended not to hear and just walked more quickly. Just away, away from Mira. Away from this awful emotions he was going through.
The moment he reached the train station, he felt free. Free. What was this… no, no, stop it, he said to himself. Don’t overthink it, it’s just a stupid coincidence. From now on I’m gonna make a point to be the first out of the room, he promised. He sat down on bench next to the rails, waiting for the next train. He had missed the one he’d usually hop on. He leaned back and put his right arm over his eyes. “Damn it” he whispered. This was getting dangerous, he could feel it. I have let myself go, I should stop looking at her, he thought. No, it was more than a thought. It was a new battle plan. Avoid any kind of contact, stay away, erase the thought of Mira. It was the only way. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
“Hey!”
Fucking Mira. Lovely, beautiful, heartwarming Mira. He loved and hated her at the same time right now. No, he couldn’t hate her, just a slight annoyance. But even then…
“Sorry I made you miss your train” she said apologetically, while at the same time putting on the most beautiful smile he had seen on her. Damn it, up close, she was like an angel that had just descended on earth.
“No problem… you missed yours, too?” he asked. Why did he ask her that. Why… he didn’t want to talk more with her, he wanted the opposite. He wasn’t in control anymore.
“Yeah, but I’m used to it. Whenever I have classroom duty, I miss my train, it’s not a big deal.”
She had such a lovely voice.
“I see” he replied. Nice, that’s the way to do it, kill the conversation.
“I think we’ve never talked before you and I? Eventhough we’ve been in the same class for three years, isn’t that weird?” she said and you could see it in her face that she really thought it to be weird.
If by weird you mean intentional, sure.
“Yeah, I guess so.” he said. Short answer, no follow up possibility, it was going well. Well, actually it was going terribly, but that was the goal here.
She sat next to him on the bench. There was a moment of silence. Why did you sit next to me Mira… why.
“So, where do you live? I’m from Utelberg.”
What…
“Erm.. I’m from Smaro.” he answered.
“Smaro? Isn’t Annie from there, too? I’ve never seen you two talk!”
Yes, she was. And yes, we didn’t.
“I guess we don’t. We don’t really know each other.”
She paused. Maybe she was realizing this was a pointless exercise. His strategy seemed to work, she was losing interest in the conversation.
“That’s interesting you should say that. She seems to know a lot about you, though.”
She does? Like what? Wtf?
“She does? Like what?” he said without realizing he was literally expressing his thoughts. Luckily the “wtf” part didn’t get out.
“She said, you used to be bullied by some of the older students at your school…”
And there it was. Fuck you hormones, making me think she cared. No, she pitied me. That’s probably the worst thing she could have said, but then again, that’s what he needed right now. For the first time, he was able to feel hatred towards her. This cycle would soon end. And the bubbling anger started to show. His eyes went steely and were fixated on the rails.
“I don’t need your help. And tell Annie she better not talk about me as if she knew me. None of you do and none of you will.” he said, stood up and started to walk away.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it!” she called after him. But it was too late though. He wouldn’t allow this to go on any further. He stopped walking and looked into Mira’s eyes.
“Yes, you did.” and he went off. Good. It was better this way. This infatuation with her had to end at some point. He was OK with it being today. He still had twenty minutes to wait though. He made a point to get as far away as possible from her. He didn’t want to see her anymore. The darkness cleansing drop of hope she caused within him started to turn sour and was poisoning him. Man, the last thing he expected was to be pitied by her. Bullied, that’s what they thought it was, how funny. I guess from the outside looking in, it looked like that anyway. He knew she couldn’t have known that it was a struggle. Bullying was accepting harassment. He didn’t, he always fought back. But that’s not the part of the story people saw, it was a more interesting story when it was bullying. I guess that took the fear off somewhat of the steely eyed, cold me. Everyone had their own way with coping with difficult situations.
Fifteen minutes. Time passed slow. Some part of him wanted to look if she was still sitting on the bench. He hated himself for it. This was the most pathetic part of unrequited love, it felt like a major betrayal to hear that from her. But why would it be? They didn’t know each other, they didn’t talk, they weren’t friends, there was no bond between them, so there was nothing to be betrayed either. Ten minutes left.
Whatever, he thought. I’ll have a look and pretend as if I was looking for the coming train. Come on, why are you so afraid. Damn it, I hate myself. OK, just turn right… now. And he did. To his surprise, Mira was standing right in front of him.
“I really, really, didn’t mean it like that! Please, believe me!” she apologized. “I thought… I thought we could talk about it as I was bullied as well.”
So that’s how it was. But it didn’t matter. To him, it never was bullying, he didn’t felt threatened by those assholes, no matter how many times they’d harass him. He’d always fight back. This, too, contributed to the way he was now. Cold hearted, slightly angry, never trusting anyone. That’s how he protected himself from the world. It wasn’t the same though.
“I’m sorry to hear that. But I wasn’t bullied. I was harassed, but I always fought back and soon, they didn’t bother with me anymore.” he said as calmly as possible.
“Oh…” she said looking down. She was disappointed. Maybe she just looked for someone she could share her pain with. And she thought that it could be him. But it wasn’t, their experiences were different.
She suddenly smiled. A fake smile, he could tell. “Hehe, sorry, I won’t bother you anymore, sorry…” she said and ran away. He thought he saw her tear up a little. How weird. Was he being mean towards her? He didn’t know what to do and soon, he couldn’t see her anymore. She must have gone to wait at the appropriate rails for her train. Good. The cycle is broken at last. Or so he wanted to believe it. But somehow he felt terrible. There was a betrayal here now, a real one. He betrayed Mira’s openness, she shared something intimate and all he could do was focus on himself, protect himself. Was that who he had become? A selfish, narcissist, who only cared about protecting himself… he never imagined that would mean hurting someone else. Today he saw that it did.
Five minutes.
What could he do? Should he do anything at all? It was over now. Why make it worse? She went away, the cycle was broken and the world was as it should be. Just that it wasn’t, it couldn’t, he couldn’t live with the knowledge to have hurt her. Two minutes.
He waited. Frozen, unable to think clearly, unable to decide. It felt like time had stopped. It waited for him to make a decision… go after her, don’t go after her. But he knew, if he went after her, tried to talk to her, even apologize, it would start the downfall. It never went well. He just couldn’t make friends with girls, he fell in love with them. Mira didn’t need a boyfriend, she needed someone to talk to about her past. She needed a friend. He wondered why him. She must have talked about it with her friends… she had so many of them. It was only plausible to think so. Was this a trap? Was he making a fool of himself…
The train for Smaro had arrived. Yet he was still unable to move. Get on or don’t. What do I do… what do I do… decide… decide, now, decide, DECIDE!
He was still standing next to the rails… the train had left. Did he make a decision? Or did just time decide for him… what do I do.
He remembered what his cousin once had told him. A good deed is never forgotten, no matter the outcome, the intention is what counts. And if everything goes badshit… at least you had good intentions, so never hesitate to do something good. So why did he. If there was even the slightest chance…
He ran. He ran after her. And when he finally got to the rails she went off to, he couldn’t find her, she was nowhere to be seen. The train to Utelberg was about to leave. He didn’t have a ticket. But she most likely was on the train already. What now… what now, he thought. There wasn’t time for him to buy a ticket… should he risk a fine? Was it worth it?
He boarded the train without thinking about the consequences. Whatever, I came this far. If I’m going to make a fool of myself, it will be an epic tale to tell later on. To whom, was another question, he didn’t have friends. Maybe I’ll write it in my memoirs, he thought. He went through the compartments, looking for Mira. Where was she… he couldn’t find her. He moved forward to the next compartment… and the next…
Five compartments over, he finally found her. She was looking out the window. She had cried recently. It showed. She was sitting alone by herself. He went for it and took a seat vis-à-vis her. She didn’t notice him. She was lost in thoughts. She looked sad. It hurt him to see her like that.
“I’m sorry.” he said. Slowly, without rushing it. And all the while, he tried to catch her eyes.
“Y-you… what are you doing here?” she wondered. He wasn’t sure if she was glad or angry seeing him. Time would tell.
“I’m sorry for saying what I said. I know it was rude and cold, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He didn’t. But it hadn’t worked.
“It’s OK… I now realize how I must have sounded, like I was pitying you… I know it was wrong to approach you like that, projecting my problems onto you… I’m sorry.” she said, almost whispering. She continued.
“I tried to talk to someone I haven’t ever talked to before about having been bullied…” she laughed a little. “I’m so stupid… it’s like a was trying to exploit your experiences… only to turn out that you haven’t gone through it in the end at all. I’m so stupid, I’m sorry.” she said and teared up again. This wasn’t normal.
“It’s OK, I overreacted. I’m not very good at talking to people. But I was selfish and thought only about myself. You opened up to me and I only focused on my world.”
He still tried to catch her eye. But she didn’t seem to want to make eye contact now. He didn’t blame her.
“Even if I haven’t gone through it, I know what it means to be picked on. What confuses me is that you’d want to talk about it with me, when you have so many friends you could talk to about it instead.”
He had to mention it. He still didn’t trust the situation.
“I’m the way I am, because I’m afraid of being bullied again. I can’t talk about my fears with them. I have to act like a belong, even if I don’t feel like it, or else I’ll be bullied again.”
An honest answer. He hadn’t thought about it that way.
“Isn’t that tiring though? To not be yourself?” he asked her. He thought that’s the moment he understood the difference between them. He’d rather be himself than be liked, so he was alone and didn’t have friends. She was afraid to be bullied again, so she chose to not be herself, so she had friends.
“It is.” she said with a slight smile. “But after what I’ve been through…”
He thought he could already see the cliffs he’d fall over, but it didn’t matter anymore, not now.
“OK. I’m here now. I’m listening if you want to talk about it.” he said.
She finally looked him in the eyes. Those beautiful, blue eyes, that were contrasted by the reddening of the white.
“Do you really mean it?” she wondered. She wasn’t sure about it either, talking to him about her past.
“Mira, I just missed two trains home and boarded this one without a ticket, risking a fine. I’m talking to the girl I like to which I haven’t talked to ever before… yes, I really mean it!” he said with an ensuring voice.
Wait… what did I just say?
“Y-you l-like me?” she asked.
They both blushed.
Fuck, he thought.
And then she smiled.
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